hello 2015

a new year...a new journal....a new adventure...

empty.

open. (well...kinda...)

This year I'm starting off with a lot of new things. In the last several months there have been quite a few new things in my life - a new name, a new home, new community, a new role, a new job. And this year is likely to bring quite a few more new things. Newness is exciting. Newness is scary. Newness often involves change (something I don't do good at!) and courage.

When I look to 2015, I'm scared but excited. Last year God started a lot of work in my life that has been brutal and shaking. As He tore away my pride and humbled me, He opened my eyes and heart in a whole new way. I look at 2015 in a different way than most years.

My words for this year are "grow" and "grace".

To grow in receiving God's grace and others. To give grace. To grow in giving myself grace. There are lots of dreams things I want to grow in. But this year has the potential for lots more changes and I want to give myself grace. Grace to dream big but to be okay if I don't accomplish it. That I accepted and okay even if my goal list doesn't get done. That I am still just as worthy and good before God.
Grace.

 Grace teaches us that God loves because of who God is, not because of who we are...Grace means there is nothing I can do to make God love me more, and nothing I can do to make God love me less.- Phillip Yancy

So I'm asking God to let me grow in His grace. To receive it. To delight in it. To give it. To see it. To rest in it. Welcome 2015!

expectant longing {Advent}

O come, O come Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appears

that longing...full of expectation yet waiting, wondering. A nation, a world waiting for the Redeemer.

Within the lines of this song on the longing for the Savior is the reminder that He is here. Emmanuel - God with us. And Emmanuel did come to us. The reason to celebrate Christmas. Emmanuel - God with us.

tis the season...

...for my favorite time of year.

Fall is leaving us while giving some glimpses of the winter ahead. A brief snow a few days back made me excited for a winter with my husband. Cold days made warm by heat and hot drinks. (I miss my family's fireplace these days.) And the joyful anticipation of the holidays.

Thanksgiving. Christmas.

Decorations, lights, laughter, and celebrations. Family, food, events. Celebrating our God and His goodness and grace. Remembering His gifts to us and the incarnation of His greatest gift: Jesus.

...on fear

Fear. Fear of the future. Fear of others. Fear of not having enough money. Fear haunts us. It consumes us. It whispers, "you aren't in control and neither is anyone else." 

Fear makes us desperate. To be enough. To have enough. Fear makes us doubt God. It gives us a basis to believe that we aren't enough for God. Fear. It wraps itself around our thoughts and plunges straight to the darkest depths of our hearts. 

 All fear is the lie that God’s love ends. - Ann V.

Fear drives me to do, to say, to believe, to work against what I know is truth.

God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and self-control.

Fear lets other forces drive us. Trust lets God drive us. God longs for me to be at rest in Him. To release my fears. To believe what He says. Fear says, "do more, work harder for God to accept you." Trust says, "Rest. I have already done the work." 

"I had to choose fear - or completely trust Him. One cannot exist if the other is true."(from this article)

I was with dear people where the fear of doing enough good for God's favor is externally visible. Fear of what their destiny will be hurls them forward, pushing their actions, their thoughts. Fear blinds them. Doing, doing, doing but never knowing.

My heart cries for them. I want them to know Jesus, to see that He has done the work and God gives us favor: grace. Ashamed though, I realize how often fear drives me. It blinds me to see what Jesus has already done and is doing. Fear holds my heart in an immovable exhaustion. Surely I must do a bit more. Fear of being exposed. Fear of being rejected. Fear of what others may think. 

Then I see my Father's anguish face longing for me to trust and believe, "Child. Trust me. You are mine. The work has already been done. The gift has been given. Jesus paid your price. Rest in it. My love is received, not earned. I love you. Receive grace" 

accepting the meaning

What is the meaning of grace?

Dictionary definition - 1. Favor; good will; kindness; disposition to oblige another; as a grant made as an act of grace.  2. Appropriately, the free unmerited love and favor of God, the spring and source of all the benefits men receive from him. 3. Favorable influence of God; 4. Favor; mercy; pardon. 5. Beauty; embellishment; GRACE, v.t. To adorn; to decorate; to embellish and dignify. 1. To dignify or raise by act of favor 2. To favor; to honor.

To know the meaning is one thing. To accept it is another.

Phillip Yancy writes, "Grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us more. And grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us less. Grace means that God already loves us as much as an infinite God can possibly love. Grace is unfair."

For years I have known the meaning of grace in my head but accepting it was a different story. I saw others living it out in front of me. I heard it again and again yet I disdained it. I fought for it.  I arrogantly thought and acted, "I am not worthy of grace so I must earn it."

Not worthy.

The very two words that enable us to receive grace. I twisted and blinded myself to be unable to accept grace.

Truth is I am not worthy. Truth is Christ is worthy and He makes me worthy.

Christ makes me worthy. Christ is all I need. To accept His grace means to look to Him. To look to Jesus. To rest in Him. Not working, not striving, not trying.

"In Him {Jesus} we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us..."

This journey to accepting grace has been long. It still lies ahead of me. I began this journey, stumbling not even sure what I was seeking for.

And God gave grace. His grace was faithful as I blindly walked for years. His grace was faithful as I stumbled onto this path. This adventure He longed for me to receive. He brought people around me and a man into my life who pointed me towards Him and the joy of the beautiful, freeing reality of grace.

Accepting is still a struggle. I know the meaning in my head but living the reality of it....that's a question.

But Jesus is gently drawing me to Him and as he does, He pours out His grace. He is opening my heart to see the glory, rest and redemption of his grace. The beauty of being worthy, of being filled, of being at rest. The beauty of Jesus and His gifts of grace.

"When you offer peace instead of division, when you offer faith instead of fear, 

when you offer someone a place at your table instead of keeping them out because they're different or messy or wrong somehow, you represent the heart of Christ." 

- shauna niequist

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